I Don't Get It!

You know what one of my biggest problems is with this whole autism thing? I just don’t get it! There are times when I think I do (hey, maybe I can work for the M.I.N.D some day, hmmm) but then I’m slapped back into reality right quick.

For example, we’ve tried everything we know to prepare Alex for school and to keep his behavior in check. We’ve tried showing him the daily schedule, using star charts to earn time with a preferred activity, we've tried tightening up discipline, reading him social stories, asking and implementing the expert’s advice and still, he’ll sit there kicking his desk and yelling.

Then, on another day he’ll get a glowing report and we’ll think, hey, this new idea or that new tactic worked - whoopee! Then, the very next day, he’ll be so disruptive he’ll need to leave the classroom and even be sent home. What’s up with that?

So I know his major deficit is theory of mind and language. Not having the ability to walk in someone else’s shoes coupled with having a hard time coming up with the words to express himself is a double whammy that causes all sorts of social problems. Being someone who cares too much about what other people think, I have the worst time trying to figure him out.

Then there are all the sensory issues he faces on a daily basis. Maybe the paper glares in his face too much, maybe the florescent lights are flickering or making a low buzz noise, maybe there are too many kids facing him, too many problems on a page or too many colors in the room and things on the wall and everything makes him dizzy. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to be there and would rather kick his desk. Who knows?

It’s heartbreaking and stressful because I see what his behavior is doing when he doesn't. I want so much for him to be successful, to have friends, to follow the rules, to stop driving people nuts, to be happy. Well, he actually is happy because he doesn’t get that he’s causing others to be so frustrated. His MO is, if I’m happy why are you not?

My husband prays faithfully for Alex every night at his bedside – that his brain will make the proper connections so he can be healed from this disorder.

The more we try to control his issues the more we realize just how little control we really have. Sometimes, prayer is all we have left.

Then there’s the unexpected blessing. After Alex’s last playgroup, his therapist told us, “Yesterday proved to be a very successful session. Alex's behavior was outstanding. He followed directions, took turns, participated appropriately, and was really nice to all the group members. KUDOS to Alex!!” I savored the blessing as much as I could, knowing he is capable of being an empathetic individual. At the same time, I brace myself - tomorrow is a whole new day.