Back to School

Alex started first grade last Monday. His backpack looked huge – like he was going camping for a week. Why didn’t I get the smaller size?

My husband takes him to his line, says good-bye and then hides behind the dumpster, spying to see if he stays put. I’ve gotten positive daily reports.

I’m learning to relax, to “let go” (like that’s ever really possible) and to trust that God is looking after him. I try not to inquire on a daily basis about how he’s doing, but it’s hard. As his behavior specialist once told me, “Just drop him off, smile and wave bye-bye…they’ll let you know if there’s a problem”. If it were possible, I wouldn’t mind a hidden camera so I could monitor his every move.

I’ve realized my need for feedback can get me into trouble. When I receive positive feedback about his behavior, it’s as if we received a seal of approval for all the wonderful things we’ve done to help him. When I get a bad report, all my confidence circles down the potty and I wonder if I’m doing anything right.

The reality that early, intense intervention begets the best outcomes can leave one quite stressed and overwhelmed. When he’s not doing well, I fear our “early” is too late and that perhaps the program we have set up for him isn’t working. Then the panic really sets in and I want to sound the alarm, “Call out the specialists, call out the experts, call 9-1-1, get the fire hose…this is an emergency here people!”

The truth is, he has received wonderful help by many talented people over these past few years and has made great progress. He continues to have a team of caring teachers, therapists and specialists in his court who have set up a solid program for him.

This doesn’t mean that every day is going to be sunshine and lollypops or that something doesn’t need to be tweaked. At the same time, bad behavior doesn’t equate to me being a bad mother, he being a bad kid or that the plan isn’t working.

He’s going to get stressed and buck up to the demands at times, his lack of a need to please will get him into trouble with others and he may line up the balls at recess rather than play with them. He’s a work in progress just like me.